Pity party for one please.

{I love peonies.  They make me long for spring, a season of renewal and fresh starts.}

—————————–

So there I am “wearing” the cranky kid.  With the my other cranky kid {the one who no longer naps} peaking over the counter.

I’m about to make dinner.  Alex isn’t home yet.

Henry is playing the drums, trying his best to match the beat put out by his singing fish.  Remember those singing fish mounted on a plaque?  You can find them on the store shelf in between the Snuggie and Chia Pet.

I’m grouchy.  My baby doesn’t sleep at night and cries all day.  My other son won’t nap.  Poor me.

The mom who used to see things through rose-colored glasses has left the building.

Day in and day out I give so much of myself to my family, making sure that their needs are met.

Yet the little voice in my head grows louder; “What about me?!”

I catch myself trying to do it all, yet eventually all of those balls that I’m juggling fall – that is if I don’t collapse first.   I don’t want to raise my children in a whirlwind of activity. Busy for the sake of busy. Because it’s what everyone else is doing.  But here I am.  Doing what is expected of me.

I’m stuck. Sometimes I think I’m going to scream if I have to do one more load of laundry, go to one more physical therapy session {we are up to four a week!}, get up yet again in the middle of the night with the baby, or clean up one more mess.  And let me tell you, I picked the wrong year to be the board president at Henry’s school.

The monotony grates on me.  This is unsettling.  I typically thrive in a routine of mundane tasks.  {Sounds thrilling doesn’t it?}  But often I find myself dragging.  Ready to host a pity party for myself.

I love being a mom.  For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom.

There is beauty in the simple routine of a mother.

What I didn’t realize was that hidden beneath the endless love, sticky hugs, giggles and breathtaking moments was the truth of just how darn hard it is to actually be a mom.

I ask for prayer.  My “selflessness” is really self-pity in disguise.

He responds.

His expectations are different from my expectations.

It’s worth repeating:  His expectations are different from my expectations.

Humbly I remember.  He sees me.  I am right where I’m supposed to be.

But it’s not about me.  Or my kids.

It’s about Him.

—————————–

We eat dinner while singing “The Farmer in the Dell” and “Jingle Bell Rock” and wrap up the evening with a bubble bath and stories.

The three kiddos are sound asleep and I’ve poured a glass of wine.

This is it.  My day.  My life.

I  can start fresh.  Again.  His grace abounds and never ceases to amaze.

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12 thoughts on “Pity party for one please.

  1. I could have written this one myself, just replace a crying baby and loud pre-schooler with a whiny tantruming toddler, an aching pregnancy back and too much freelance work. But, the Lord is sweet in His mercy and gentle with our hearts. We DO get to start over each day. Thank goodness.

  2. Nice post Libby! I could have written it as well. Mothering is so hard and I think as stay-at-home moms we feel we can’t complain because we have the “nice” job. The job where we can not shower, wear our pjs, have play dates, do lunch, etc. But its not that cushy and its not easy. Raising these kids is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the best. And sometimes I feel like all I am is a human cow and a maid. However, like you said it’s about Him, not us and we must remember that!

  3. Great post! We’ve all been there. Hang in there! My youngest just turned 19. Before you know it they’ll all be in school. You’re doing a great job, putting one foot in front of the other, cleaning one mess after the other, accepting one kiss and hug… after the other.
    God’s mercies are new every morning. Tomorrow will be the day that the Lord has made! I will pray for joy and gladness to fill your heart!

  4. Libby – glad to hear I am not alone…I was having a pity party too yesterday..wishing for those days of old when I had a career that showed “accomplishments” for the day…thank you for reminding me that it isn’t about me, it is about Him and the Lord has called me to this purpose of mothering and it is the hardest job ever! But, the most important and rewarding! Praying you got some rest last night..today is a brand new day! Blessings! Lara

  5. Oh. My. Crying. Eyes.

    Seriously, I really shouldn’t read your blog while I’m seven months pregnant w/my third boy and while I’m wearing any trace of makeup. lol

    Things have been hard here, too, and I have huge fears that once Thomas is here, I’m going to be an absolute wreck. Especially when my husband is entering his busy period at work in the next two weeks (through August…UGH). He went through his schedule with me yesterday, and so far, he has at least five (one-to-two day) trips scheduled for April alone. My C-section will be March 25 or 26. Oh my. I’m so nervous. I know the Lord (not to mention my supportive family) will sustain me, but for the most part, it will be me. With three boys. One in two-day-a-week preschool, one with therapy and rising medical needs, and a newborn.

    I am going to bookmark this and come back and reread it in a few weeks. :)

  6. Your day sounds familiar. I have 4 kids (one on the way) and I’ve felt what you’re feeling… I’ve done the pity party. I promise you… there will be a day when everything just seems easier, your burden lighter (outside of laundry LOL). My first 2 kids are 10 and 12 and very self-sufficient. Even my almost 5 year old is very trainable (and usually willing) to help around the house. But it’s that baby/toddler stage that’s hard for a while. It’s really temporary. Pray through those times when you’re just feeling “put out”, or like you’re being used by everyone in your family and have no time left for yourself. Make a prayer offering for the all the mundane, daily activities as you raise up your children one day, one moment at a time. Some evenings when the kids were younger, I’d be standing at the garage door, keys and purse and baby in hand. I’d kiss my husband, hand him the baby, and say I need to go to the grocery store. I just needed some time to breathe. Anyway, it gets easier. Really!

  7. You are a wonderful, selfless Mom. God gave you these kids because he knew you would do everything and anything for them. God does have a sense of humor! When I have days like this, I remind myself what a fun, busy, Mom-of-4-with-one-on-the-way told me. I tell myself when I really need to hear it……”You’re gonna miss this.” Plain and simple, yet so true! GOD BLESS YOU!

  8. Pity Party away! It’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes, who wouldn’t? We are human after all :) Lack of sleep is no laughing matter. Sounds to me like you’re coping ok. I am in a very similiar situation and struggling as well. Just remember you AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE PERFECT. Really. Now I will try to take my own advice.. lol

  9. Sending you a hug. Your wonderful mama-ness shines through. You are a loving and nurturing mama to your 3 very blessed boys. You are full of perspective and joy, even in the very challenging moments of parenthood.

    I love that you sang “Jingle Bell Rock” during dinner, had bubble baths and stories with your boys…and then treated yourself to a nice (very deserved!) glass of wine. You are my kind of mama!

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