Updated at the end of the post.
I’m going a bit “off the cuff” for a change. Some Monday thoughts and confessions…
I’m a “people-pleaser.” A rule follower. A control freak.
And that’s OK.
But I’m trying something new. To find a balance between perfection (which I realize isn’t possible, but still find myself striving for) and just going with the flow. I think I’d like to be somewhere along the lines of perfectly relaxed…
Last Friday I cancelled a therapy appointment for Charlie. For the first time ever. Because we just needed a morning of “nothing.” We played hooky and met a friend for coffee. Is that OK?
This morning we only had one therapy session instead of two because Charlie was tired and needed to take a nap. It’s OK. Isn’t it? I think so, but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me. Maybe he could be crawling already if I worked more with him on his therapy. What if that session was the one where Charlie had a “break-through?”
I’m learning that as mom I can’t do it all. One year into our “new” life, and I’m still learning to balance all of the various appointments in our lives. I’m constantly trying to find a balance between giving Charlie all of the early intervention and therapy he needs to be the best he can be, while also knowing that some down time with family is just as important. And I’m slowly learning that I don’t have to feel guilty about it.
There are days when I’m on top of my game. And then there are the other days. I’m still learning the ever difficult task of not taking on more than I can handle. But there are still moments in life when I’m handed more than I ever thought possible. And somehow it’s OK. We survive, our little family.
I know that we are blessed. That my worries could be about things much greater. I know.
This morning Henry used the hose to fill his sandbox up to the top with water (no school today.) We now have a small wading pool and it’s almost October. It’s OK.
My kitchen is a mess. This is unusual. We are going to the grocery store to stock up as soon as Charlie wakes up. I want to try a new recipe this afternoon (testing it before we have friends over tomorrow.) Henry wants to make banana bread too. I have to make a salad for dinner because have been invited over to a friend’s house tonight. The laundry room is overflowing with laundry because we were away for the weekend.
I want to take all of the summer flowers out of my pots and fill them with cabbages, snow pansies and other fall foliage. I’m way behind on responding to my e-mail.
I have a lot on my “to-do” list. These aren’t complaints, just facts.
But really when it all comes down to it, I want my children to know that I was there and they were loved. That I am present in their lives, whether we are at a therapy appointment or having a picnic lunch in the family room. (Henry just set everything up for said picnic.) I want them to remember our days as full, but not busy. I want my husband to know that his wife loves him. Always. I want him to be excited when he comes home every evening. To walk into a home filled with love and warmth (and to ignore the pile of laundry on the floor.) I want our friends and extended family to feel welcome in our home – no matter the time. To know that there is always a seat at our table (or on Henry’s picnic blanket.) That they are what matter most to us.
That’s OK, isn’t it?
I think it is. As long as I first give it all up to Him (and don’t take it back.) If I remember that it’s not about me and my plans for the day. That it’s about His plans for me. And for my family.
And I think that’s more than OK….
I spent the rest of the morning and early part of my afternoon praying. Just talking with the Lord. For me it’s not something that’s formal. It’s more like a running conversation, with me doing lots of the talking, but I’m learning to be quiet and just listen more often too.
“Lord, please help me to stay focused today. I have a lot on my plate, and I want to do it all. And do it well. Please help me to remain calm, even though I’m really tired (and didn’t finish my cup of coffee – again!) Yes, I realize that I tried to pack too much into one day. But would you please help me?”
My mom called around 11:30 and asked me if I needed her help today. She offered to feed the boys lunch and have them nap at her house this afternoon. I was able to go to the grocery store alone.
Alex called me on the way to the store. Our dinner tonight was cancelled. Just a quiet night at home – our first dinner at home with just our family in over three weeks.
While at the store I called my friend to see if she wanted me to bring her family dinner tonight or tomorrow. (I don’t think I mentioned this earlier…) She said that they were covered tonight and that they would take me up on my offer later this week.
I came home from the store, emptied my groceries and looked around my house.
My kitchen was still a mess.
The family room was still in ‘picnic’ mode from our morning picnic.
But it felt OK.
On my way home from the store this afternoon – still talking with Jesus – I was asking Him to help me “do it all.” Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that He never asked me to do it all. He just wants me to let it go. To give it all over to Him – all the little details of my daily life. That he would help me – just as he did today. I just need to let it go and focus on Him
And then I kid you not – right as I completed that thought a song called “Letting Go”came on the radio.
My heart beats, standing on the edge
But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone
Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me
I think I’ll go pick up my boys and when we get home we can make some banana bread.